The Unending Adventures of Hula Hoop and Hawaiian Lion

That’s right fan(s), today is your lucky day. I am creating a blog post, as we speak. You have Jessica Kennedy to thank for this, as she insisted that I blog about our trip to Hawaii. Yes, we just got finished spending a week in Hawaii with my father and stepmother. It was fantabulous and sunny and Hawaiian and all of those lovely things. We know it’s you.

Alright, I shall try to begin at the beginning and end at the ending. This will be quite difficult, as Jessica is currently sleeping next to me and we all know I can’t remember anything without her. However, I shall attempt nonetheless.

We arrived in Kona on Sunday, June 19, 2011, full of hopes and dreams and confusion. The confusion was mostly on my end because I wasn’t really sure what to expect from Hawaii, but I was pretty sure that the weather would at least be nice. So, naturally, as soon as I step foot on the tarmac, it starts raining. I was quickly caught up to speed on the fact that it rains in Hawaii. Judge my ignorance if you must, I certainly did.

Our timeshare was fancy and pantsy, what with the pool and the sharing of time. There were also golf courses afoot. We couldn’t check in immediately so we went on an expedition, which culminated at the Macaroni Grill (trust me; this was a very Hawaiian thing to do). Once we were able to check in, we settled in and then decided that we wanted to go check out the pool. So we did, we drank bizarrely green drinks and proceeded to feel very Hawaiian.

The next day (Monday) we wanted to see a beach. I’d never been on a Hawaiian beach (as this was my first trip to Hawaii) and I refused to believe that we were actually in Hawaii until I went to the beach. So I drove Jessie and myself up to Hapuna Beach State Park and we immediately went to the nearest hotel bar because, when I say I wanted to go to the beach, each and every one of you should know exactly what I mean by that. We were introduced to spiced mango daiquiris and proceeded to fall in love with ourselves. General drunkenness and frolicking ensued.

The next day we had scheduled a helicopter tour of the volcano, which necessitated driving to Hilo. We made the two hour long trek to the other side of the island, by way of Tex’s which furnished us with delicious malasadas. We also believe in the adage “waste not, want not” so we made a point of utilizing all sides of the highway. The helicopter tour was fun and clydey and I got motion sick. Also, lava is my favorite color of orange. We went on a “tour” of the Mauna Loa factory and consumed macadamia nuts to the point of illness. At this point, you should know I wouldn’t joke about a thing like that. My dad cooked Korean barbecue for dinner and merriment was had by all.

Wednesday, Jessie and I had an adventurous dolphin swim/snorkeling tour scheduled. So we woke up super early and we drove out to Puako bay to swim with the dolphins by way of a zodiac. I kept building it up, telling everyone how I’d always wanted to swim with dolphins for my ENTIRE life and I was going to tame the dolphins with my eyes and they would make me their queen. I was quite sure of this. Turns out, I wound up on top of a group of about 100 dolphins, by myself, watching them swim off into the murky depths and simultaneously came to terms with the fact that I’m afraid of dolphins. The snorkeling part of the tour was fun though. We saw a multitude of colorful fish and saw turtles being groomed by tiny fishies on a coral reef.

We spent the rest of the daylight at the beach and then drove out to downtown Kona to experience the Big Island Nightlife Scene. As it turns out, the Big Island Nightlife Scene is not all it’s cracked up to be on a Wednesday night, and it wasn’t cracked up to be anything. We were carded and told that we look like we’re 42 years of age simultaneously, which would have been impressive, if it weren’t offensive.

We went back to the beach on Thursday and spent the day hanging out and making friends with Luther and Froilan, the Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel bartenders. Now, I feel I should mention that we were not guests of the Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel. In order to purchase drinks from this hotel, we were required to conceal this fact. Also, I had my dad’s credit card and wished to be able to use it. The only way to surmount all of these obstacles was to become friends with the bartenders. Luther was this large Hawaiian dude who seemed legit and liked listening to our stories. If you are friends with me on The Facebook, you will be able to view a video reenactment of one such story, as told to my father. If you’re not friends with me on The Facebook, then you should either friend request me or stop reading immediately.

Froilan is a tiny Filipino gentleman who refused to believe that Jessie is, herself, Filipina until 3 days after they met when he realized she had developed a tan. He believed I was Filipina the first day he met me. I just have one of those faces. My dad eventually showed up at the bar, we all drank mango margaritas and then swam out into the ocean to touch a buoy, just because we could. Did you know that Hawaiian beaches have a flag that they put up to indicate that there are EITHER strong winds OR jellyfish? The flag does not specify which. All that can be said in response to this fact is: omg.

On Friday, we went to a new beach, the Mauna Kea. This beach was extremely fancy and we made friends with the bartender, John, and proceeded to be hit upon by men with womanly names who invited us to go out with them in their minivan. Obvi, we told them we’d meet them somewhere we never intended to go. We swam around in the water and drank mango margaritas and fell in love with ourself. Oh! And we made friends with the finches and fed them mixed nuts.

On Friday night, we all went out on a glass bottom dinner cruise. There was an open bar and a delicious buffet and a hula dancer and it was quite exciting. Apparently my dad hula danced. Obviously, he made a point of doing it when I wasn’t looking so I can neither confirm nor deny. I do, however, have it on very good authority that his hips don’t lie.

Saturday morning, we were up early to head to Hawi for a ziplining adventure. It was SO FUN. I love ziplining. A major motivation of mine is to look for any excuse to leap off of a cliff. We all had a blasty blast and took videos, which might make their way onto The Facebook, if you’re lucky. After ziplining, we had a delicious lunch at Café Pesto and then Jessie and I made one last trip to Hapuna Beach. We were sad to say goodbye, but we had to leave eventually to go out to downtown Kona to find out if it was actually capable of being exciting.

We drove to Kona and grabbed dinner at Bubba Gump (delicious, as usual) and then walked over to Lulu’s for drinks and dancing. Luther the bartender showed up and offered to buy us drinks. I reiterated the fact that we had boyfriends. He indicated that he was aware of this fact. I asked him why he wanted to buy us drinks then. He said that they were non-alcoholic. Because, obviously, when I drive 30 miles to go to a bar on a Saturday night, what I’m really looking for is a quality smoothie. Luther, we know it’s you.

Eventually, we drove home and slept a bit before waking up to pack and head out on Sunday. We checked out of the hotel, wtf-ed each other, and then drove down to Kona to explore the area during the daytime, as our flight didn’t leave until the evening. We visited the Kona brewery and drank a lot of Kona coffee and looked for classy belly button rings.

When we got to the airport, we realized that Jessie and I didn’t have seat assignments. So, we waited, awkwardly, until we were allowed to ask for them. Eventually, we peeked around a corner to see what was what and were met with a man loudly exclaiming, “Ma’am, MA’AM”, to which Jessie replied “don’t worry, she’s not trying to cut in front of you”. His response to this friendly information was to icily glare at the both of us and slowly enunciate: “I. Didn’t. Say. That.” Now, he was trying his damndest to be intimidating and rude, and ordinarily, I we would have let him think that he had been. But it was just too much so Jessie and I proceeded to crack up in his face. Sorry, Angry Airport Guy, you took it a bit too far.

Soon, my dad’s patience wore thin and he stormed over to the ticket agent lady to give her a piece of his mind. Somehow, this resulted in Jessie and me getting bumped up to first class. We didn’t know this until we got on the plane and just assumed that we were being put into the emergency exit row, as per usual. To this assumption, I gave the ticketing agent lady a knowing nod and a wink. In retrospect, she probably thought I knew about the upgrade. Story of my life: if I look like I know what’s going on, it’s probably because I think something else is going on and I’m reacting inappropriately to that thing that I think is going on.

So now, here we are, in first class flying back to Los Angeles. If you wish to view picture/video evidence of our excursions, please feel free to peruse my facebook. Also, if you would like to see my Luther impression in person, I am always happy to oblige. Especially if you’re willing to submit to Jessie recording your reaction.