Musings
First off, let's examine the word musings. It has the word muse in it... I wonder if there is some connection to the concept of the Muse. Like maybe my random thoughts are inspired by the Muses? These are the kinds of things that my mind does now that I've developed a newfound passion for linguistics. It's quasi-annoying because now when I speak even in English I'm always wondering about what I'm saying and where the word came from and all of that. My signora and I laugh because she has the same problem, since she knows so many languages (German, Italian, French, English... and those are just the ones she knows well. She also learned Portuguese and Spanish). Oh well, I guess it's just a cross I'm gonna have to bear ;)
Anyway, let's talk about feelings. Namely, mine. I'm having a hard time thinking about leaving Rome. I mean I really start to freak out when I think about it for too long. I feel like I'm losing a part of myself that I don't want to give up. It almost feels literally heavy when I start thinking that I'll be leaving behind all that I love about Rome and Europe in general. I honestly love myself when I'm in Europe (that sounds weird, but I'm at a loss for a better way to describe that particular emotion). I feel happy, confident, capable, and complete here. Really the happiness is what I'm going to miss the most. Not to say that I'm an unhappy person in America, but here there is a perpetual state of bliss that never goes away. Everyday when I go home from school, I walk from the tram to my apartment listening to my iPod and I feel like I could burst from joy. Seriously. Every single day. You'd be sad too if you had to give that up. The feeling of joy comes from just looking around and seeing the signs around me in Italian and feeling the Italian streets underneath my feet and watching the little cars zip by. I feel like I've been accepted into a culture other than my own. It's an amazing sensation. I'm going to miss all of the monuments in Rome and the beauty that is such an integral part of the city. But mostly I will miss the everyday moments. Sitting on the tram on my way to class, tripping over cobblestones, eating pizza and spilling all over myself at Pan Zai (an excellent sandwich shop by my and Ashley's apartment and a favorite of ours), speaking in Italian and teaching English to random strangers, meeting new and interesting people almost every single day, hearing TONS of different languages swirling around me on a daily basis, lying in my bed and staring out my window at the city spread out before me, taking showers in our teensy tiny shower, arguing politics with my signora, going out to Italian clubs, and just stopping every once in a while to admire whatever captures my interest.
I will miss my classes, particularly Italian and Science and Religion. Italian will be missed because class with Rita (my teacher) is absolutely wonderful every time. She does the coolest things: we played taboo in class, had class in a bar where she bought cappuccinos for all of us, had a party on the last day of class where we were allowed to drink wine, and she's always doing cute things (for example, she loves to play the matchmaker... she's quite the romantic). Science and Religion will be missed because Father Larrey is a great teacher. He made class interesting and entertaining each and every day. I was allowed to interrupt him when he was speaking and ask questions about what the Catholic church thinks about various issues. I cracked jokes in class regularly. He went off on tangents and told stories all the time, which I love in a teacher. I also learned a great deal about religion in general from that class. I'll also miss Bruno, the doorman in my building. Every single time we saw each other I would say "Ciao, Bruno!" and he would invariably respond "Ciao, bella, ciao!" He once said that I was like a picture, I was so beautiful. He could always put a smile on my face :)
Well, tonight I have my farewell dinner to attend. Teachers and students alike will be there and we will all be able to say goodbye. I made a ton of new friends here and it will be sad to say goodbye to them. However, after the dinner there's a party going on at the guys' apartment for Paul's birthday... so I won't have to say goodbye to my closest friends until after that. Wow, it's really weird to think about saying goodbye to all these people. Studying abroad is an amazing experience because it gives you so much. But it also takes a lot of it right back at the end and that process is painful.
However, I don't think that it's going to take everything back. This experience has definitely changed me, I think for the better. There are going to be a lot of differences in my life when I get home. I dress differently, carry myself differently and think differently now. I will continue to live in the moment and work hard to achieve my goals. I even have new goals now as a result of this experience (I have it in my head that I'm going to teach myself and minor in French... where there's a will, there's a way!) I can't wait to get home and enjoy the rest of my college years. But after living in Europe, I really can't wait to get started on the rest of my life either. There's so much that the world has to offer and I intend to experience as much of it as possible. I've found new passions and I can't wait to pursue them. There's just a fresh new perspective on everything and I'm taking that back to Los Angeles with me.
I told a friend yesterday, that these few days (and times like these) are the reason the word bittersweet was invented. I'm thrilled to be done with finals because I worked really hard in my classes and earned every good grade I got (except maybe in Italian). I toiled and stressed over finals and when I wrote my last word yesterday and turned in my 20 pages of work, relief washed over me. (Fun fact: I've hand-written around 60 pages in the past 2 days... my hand has never felt so much pain) At the same time, the end of finals coincides with the end of this experience. I and all of my new friends (including Roma) must go our separate ways and continue our 'normal' lives. This is just life.
Fortunately, I intend to make Europe a part of my normal life in the future. I will move back here, even if only for a short while. I can't live without Europe, it's that simple. When you find something that moves you and changes you in a way you never thought possible, you don't let it go. And so, I will continue to keep Europe and Roma in my heart, for they are my new lifelong loves.
Anyway, let's talk about feelings. Namely, mine. I'm having a hard time thinking about leaving Rome. I mean I really start to freak out when I think about it for too long. I feel like I'm losing a part of myself that I don't want to give up. It almost feels literally heavy when I start thinking that I'll be leaving behind all that I love about Rome and Europe in general. I honestly love myself when I'm in Europe (that sounds weird, but I'm at a loss for a better way to describe that particular emotion). I feel happy, confident, capable, and complete here. Really the happiness is what I'm going to miss the most. Not to say that I'm an unhappy person in America, but here there is a perpetual state of bliss that never goes away. Everyday when I go home from school, I walk from the tram to my apartment listening to my iPod and I feel like I could burst from joy. Seriously. Every single day. You'd be sad too if you had to give that up. The feeling of joy comes from just looking around and seeing the signs around me in Italian and feeling the Italian streets underneath my feet and watching the little cars zip by. I feel like I've been accepted into a culture other than my own. It's an amazing sensation. I'm going to miss all of the monuments in Rome and the beauty that is such an integral part of the city. But mostly I will miss the everyday moments. Sitting on the tram on my way to class, tripping over cobblestones, eating pizza and spilling all over myself at Pan Zai (an excellent sandwich shop by my and Ashley's apartment and a favorite of ours), speaking in Italian and teaching English to random strangers, meeting new and interesting people almost every single day, hearing TONS of different languages swirling around me on a daily basis, lying in my bed and staring out my window at the city spread out before me, taking showers in our teensy tiny shower, arguing politics with my signora, going out to Italian clubs, and just stopping every once in a while to admire whatever captures my interest.
I will miss my classes, particularly Italian and Science and Religion. Italian will be missed because class with Rita (my teacher) is absolutely wonderful every time. She does the coolest things: we played taboo in class, had class in a bar where she bought cappuccinos for all of us, had a party on the last day of class where we were allowed to drink wine, and she's always doing cute things (for example, she loves to play the matchmaker... she's quite the romantic). Science and Religion will be missed because Father Larrey is a great teacher. He made class interesting and entertaining each and every day. I was allowed to interrupt him when he was speaking and ask questions about what the Catholic church thinks about various issues. I cracked jokes in class regularly. He went off on tangents and told stories all the time, which I love in a teacher. I also learned a great deal about religion in general from that class. I'll also miss Bruno, the doorman in my building. Every single time we saw each other I would say "Ciao, Bruno!" and he would invariably respond "Ciao, bella, ciao!" He once said that I was like a picture, I was so beautiful. He could always put a smile on my face :)
Well, tonight I have my farewell dinner to attend. Teachers and students alike will be there and we will all be able to say goodbye. I made a ton of new friends here and it will be sad to say goodbye to them. However, after the dinner there's a party going on at the guys' apartment for Paul's birthday... so I won't have to say goodbye to my closest friends until after that. Wow, it's really weird to think about saying goodbye to all these people. Studying abroad is an amazing experience because it gives you so much. But it also takes a lot of it right back at the end and that process is painful.
However, I don't think that it's going to take everything back. This experience has definitely changed me, I think for the better. There are going to be a lot of differences in my life when I get home. I dress differently, carry myself differently and think differently now. I will continue to live in the moment and work hard to achieve my goals. I even have new goals now as a result of this experience (I have it in my head that I'm going to teach myself and minor in French... where there's a will, there's a way!) I can't wait to get home and enjoy the rest of my college years. But after living in Europe, I really can't wait to get started on the rest of my life either. There's so much that the world has to offer and I intend to experience as much of it as possible. I've found new passions and I can't wait to pursue them. There's just a fresh new perspective on everything and I'm taking that back to Los Angeles with me.
I told a friend yesterday, that these few days (and times like these) are the reason the word bittersweet was invented. I'm thrilled to be done with finals because I worked really hard in my classes and earned every good grade I got (except maybe in Italian). I toiled and stressed over finals and when I wrote my last word yesterday and turned in my 20 pages of work, relief washed over me. (Fun fact: I've hand-written around 60 pages in the past 2 days... my hand has never felt so much pain) At the same time, the end of finals coincides with the end of this experience. I and all of my new friends (including Roma) must go our separate ways and continue our 'normal' lives. This is just life.
Fortunately, I intend to make Europe a part of my normal life in the future. I will move back here, even if only for a short while. I can't live without Europe, it's that simple. When you find something that moves you and changes you in a way you never thought possible, you don't let it go. And so, I will continue to keep Europe and Roma in my heart, for they are my new lifelong loves.
Comments
Thank your mom too!